One-Two-Three-Four~I declair thumb WAR

Jager and Haven PreSchool

2012-02-17T10:53:00.000-08:00

Since our move, Jager and Haven no longer have school pre-school. Almost daily Haven has asked about this. She is very concerned that she is going to lose all her knowledge. I told her that now mommy is her teacher, but I don't seem to be doing it to her high standards.

Haven- Mommy, it's centers time, where are our centers?
Me- umm... we don't have centers here because there are just two of you, but you could play with a puzzle or color, or we could practice writing?
Haven- I guess, (she walks away with her head down depleted)

Then a few moments later I hear her in Jagers room.

Haven- Jager it's time for centers, sit on the rug.
Jager- I am a robot, my name is charlie (if you haven't seen real steal, see it, my boys are obsessed)
Haven- (sighs) Charlie robot it's time for centers, we're going to count our toys.

I guess I have been deemed unworthy as a teacher and Haven has taken over.

What's in a name?

2012-02-16T13:11:00.000-08:00

Autism. That name has been thrown around so many times and yet it has never stuck with Jaxel. So what now? I feel like I'm on a cycle and repeat with people telling me that they think that Jaxel is Autistic, not doctors, but random people, friends, some family, even teachers.

I have to wonder, what is Autism? I've read every article I can find about diagnosing Autism, and THE WIDE SPECTRUM RANGE so that it's hard to diagnose, but to me it doesn't fit Jaxel. There are symptoms that are like Jaxel but it's not him. I've seen a specialist a few years back and they didn't think it was Autism but they didn't want to give him a diagnosis at all. (which I think was very wise).

Now, we are waiting until he's six, for his next big appointments, where they (the specialists) are supposed to give me a better idea of what's going on. The time is ticking away, in fact because there is a 7 month waiting period to get into the doctor we have to make the appointment now.

This brings me to the title of this post, what's in a name. What ever name they give Jaxel, I'm not sure I'll like it. I think having an avenue to chase, to figure out the best way to help him will be... well, helpful. I just hate giving it a name. I hate that now those people will be able to say, "Oh, so that's what's wrong with him".

I know, I know... It's important, but I kind of hate it. There are some days I just feel really alone, like it's me and Jaxel and the rest of the world. Which of course I know is just plain stupid, but sometimes my logical, and emotional sides just don't work well together.

Jaxel's new school seems to be going okay so far. They told me he's doing good, and they all seem really nice, but I miss Jaxel's old school. I miss that they thought he was cool. I hope it will work out like that in the long run here.

2012-02-13T22:16:00.000-08:00

I saw this and actually laughed out loud, I KNOW, very rare, because I'm a perpetual inward laugher except when I'm on the computer (because then I'm always the life of the party and lol-er!) Anywho, This just reminded me of our epic battles as sisters that we always retell, and now my children's battles that go down on almost a daily basis.

Changes

2012-02-12T16:51:00.000-08:00

Usually this is a black or white issue, you either like change or you don't. I am the type that doesn't really care for change. I like things to settle in and planned for. Even if I don't think change is coming, I usually try to plan for it anyways so when it inevitably comes I'll be prepared.

I feel like a little whirlwind of change has taken over. We are back in Shelton, we've been fixing up our house, all of Jett's appointment's and case worker and visit supervisors are changing. Jaxel's preschool time/teachers/ and classmates are changing. He's even been missing appointments for his speech and OT! Now Jager and Haven no longer have preschool for the rest of this year so I need to get my butt in gear and actually teach them things. A new ward, new teachers for the kids to get used to. New/old friends to make... ... ... yup change is in the winds.

And to be honest I kind of feel like rolling up in a ball until it's all figured out for me. Why doesn't life really work out like that?

~~It's not that I'm opposed to things being different~~ OK that was a lie, I am opposed. I just want things to be reliable and easy to work around. The end.

One thing that doesn't sound like it will be changing is our family size! Which is good or bad. Good because we could sure use a little more time before we are blessed with another little one, and bad, because I was really getting used to the idea of A- having another baby around, and B- getting a baby at the same time that my sisters will all be having babies.
I am glad that heavenly father knows my limits. I'm also glad for the faith/previous knowledge that tells me "it's in his hands not mine, be prepared, pray, but in the end it's in his hands.

It's a little odd being the only one of my sisters, brother, and parent's still left in Washington. I'm the lone ranger. Which is a little ironic because I have been the biggest opposer of Washington from day one, then they drag me here, get me married off, and leave me. CUTE real CUTE!

Once I get more things actually put away, I'll have to take some pictures to show a bunch of the work we've done.

sing softly

2012-02-04T23:21:00.000-08:00

I had one of those OPRAH 'aha' moments. You know when the light bulb clicks and you realize something, something that really changes you.

Tonight as I was putting Haven to bed, we lay there talking, making funny faces, saying prayers, complimenting each other, and singing.

Usually we have a small battle because Haven would love if I sat in bed and sang to her for hours. Tonight I finished a request (the little mermaid's Part of your world, which is, may I add a VERY long song) and Haven touched my face, and said, "momma, would sing to me more, and do it softly."

It was at that very moment with her hand rubbing my cheek and asking me nicely to sing to her that I realized, this won't last forever. She won't be wanting me to sing to her, she won't rub my face and tell me I'm beautiful. If I'm lucky she won't hate me in 10-15 years. I have these thoughts often with the boys, because I know my boys would be so embarrassed when they're older to know that they called me Babe, and sweetheart, and honey. They would hate to know that they fought over who could kiss me the most. They won't ever desire to hold my hand. This was the first moment I felt that way with Haven. For some reason, I know she'll turn into a teenager, but my mind won't wrap around the fact that one day she won't adore me.

So tonight with a sore throat I sang to her, to her hearts content. Softly too, I might add.

hyper-cyber

2012-01-31T22:37:00.000-08:00

Well, I feel officially nerdy, and computer obsessed. Why you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

I now belong to:

Myspace (I don't actually use it, but I have an account)
Facebook
Blogger
Twitter (I never get on, but I was curious)
and now....Pintrest. (again, curious, but I think I might use this)
Of course I have email

you might as well add in my new cell which is a smart phone and has computer access. What is this world coming to?

2012-01-29T14:12:00.000-08:00

I have complained to almost anyone who will listen about not feeling well. Now I'm ready to feel better, just tell that to my body. I start to feel better and then I get excited and do too much, don't get enough sleep and BOOM, sick again.

I'm ready to feel good, the sun to be shining and the grass to be green!

I'm SO ready for spring!

I'm even ready to mow my lawn in Shelton! If you know how big of a chore that is, you know I'm REALLY ready!

Side note, I threw my big sister Arielle an impromptu baby shower, and it went good. Flowers, balloons, Mexican food, nice friends, and of course baby stuff, it was a good day!

Since I, the queen of never taking pictures, of course did not do so, I will just steal some from my sister when she puts hers up, because she is the queen of taking pictures. We make a good team, she does all the work and I reap all the picture benefits: )

it's just another ordinary miracle today

2012-01-28T04:03:00.000-08:00

Two years ago I was crying for a totally different reason. Jaxel couldn't talk. He wanted to so badly, that he would act out, get really angry, bite poor Jager, hit, because people weren't getting him. Even me, his own mother, who should be able to understand him, couldn't; and he was alone.

His speech was so limited, and I was afraid of so many things. As I watched Jager and Haven pass by their big brother emotionally, and mentally, I was bitter. I didn't want them to do well because it was another reminder that Jaxel wasn't regular. Then I finally realized something that year, something that I hated, a word I hated so much before, that I have had to learn to embrace. Jaxel is not regular, Jaxel is SPECIAL. Special, in the most sacred of terms.

spe·cial /ˈspɛʃəl/ Show Spelled[spesh-uhl] Show IPA

adjective

1. of a distinct or particular kind or character: a special kind of key.

2. being a particular one; particular, individual, or certain: You'd better call the special number.

3. pertaining or peculiar to a particular person, thing, instance, etc.; distinctive; unique: the special features of a plan.

4. having a specific or particular function, purpose, etc.: a special messenger.

5. distinguished or different from what is ordinary or usual: a special occasion; to fix something special.

I realized that he is better than regular, because he is distinguished from what is ordinary, he is an individual, he is specific for a particular function and purpose, a special messenger, he is distinct, I became proud of the word that I once despised, special.

Now two years later, not only is he speaking so much more, he surpassing expectations that were once put on him. Doctors are pleased with his progress, his speech and occupational therapists are amazed and say that from when they first started seeing him, he's a different boy. His teachers, are supportive, loving, caring. His one on one, Loves him, and sees the beauty in him like we do.

I am blessed.

One year ago Jaxel told me, "I love you, mama. Mama, I love you", over and over, for the first time ever. If you can picture a heart bursting into stars, well, that's what it felt like. I am amazed every day. I witness an ordinary miracle, every day, and it's extraordinary!

Today I am crying again, because I am so in love with my special boy! I am so in love with his heart, and his courage, and his mind! I will forever be astounded by his progress and I can only pray that it continues, that I, will never put expectations or limits on him. I will just let him be him, and continue pushing him further.

Jager and Haven, have been through a lot with their big brother, and as much as they get frustrated with him, they are good to him. A teacher at school told me that at recess my three kids run to each other to hug and give kisses, as soon as they see one another. Then they play together the whole time. That's LOVE. Jett is so in love with Jaxel. When he looks at Jaxel there are stars in his eyes, and both of them laugh at some secret I don't get to be a part of, but I do enjoy watching it anyways. Johannes, loves his little man, they share a bond, that was from day one. A joint love of all things uber manly! As for me, I can never get enough Jaxel kisses, from those big pooky lips. I love my biggest boy, my sweetheart! Needless to say we don't feel burdened, we feel thankful, blessed and every other grateful word that you can throw into the mix.

My only preachy thing that I will add in at the very end of this post is: Next time you see someone special, don't shy away, don't feel sorry for them, don't offer condolences to their parents. Even if all of those things are well meaning, sometimes it doesn't mean well. I can speak for myself and my family, and many families that I know who have special kids, and say, we wouldn't change them for the world, we feel blessed to have someone so unique and wonderful, choose us. The most insulting thing you can say to me, is that I am wonderful for taking Jaxel. I am not wonderful, I am regular, I am a regular mother, I am blessed that heavenly father saw so much in me that he would give me such a beautiful, special boy. That he would bless me four times, with wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, kind children.

Okay, I will stop now, because I could probably go on forever. Or I guess I should say to be continued...

I don't know why...

2012-01-26T11:24:00.000-08:00

but these color combos make my heart happy!

and this is an awesome idea for if we ever build a house on our own

especially if we need some kids to share

Well, my list keeps getting longer and longer.

2012-01-11T13:05:00.000-08:00

It seems to me that, I keep getting more ideas on how to better myself.

Well, here is one more.

Not be a gossip queen. I have a horrible habit of discussing other peoples lives as if they are my own. I do find myself talking negatively about people and then I always regret it. So this year, I am going to work on it. I'm going to make my life more interesting so that I no longer have the desire to talk about other people.

Eleanor Roosevelt said,

Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

So here's to 2012 and trying to have a great mind or at least an average one:)

OH WAIT I forgot to add one goal!

2012-01-05T15:12:00.000-08:00

READ the book of mormon, and actually read it to enjoy it!!! Not just reading it because i'm supposed to, or not reading it and feeling guilty. So there's another one to add to my list.

reso reso lution

2012-01-03T17:22:00.000-08:00

Happy 2012 everyone!

I always try to make new year resolutions. I love them. Every year I make new goals to better myself, to try and focus on things I'm not doing well enough, and at least for a little while, I do better.

So yet again for the 9th year in a row (yes, that's right, every year that I've been married) my goal is to lose weight. Get healthy. And EXERCISE! (I try to blame Johannes for this, but the fact is, i'm a little lazy about taking care of myself)

Another goal is to finish working on our house, and get things done. (hopefully selling it)

Which brings me to....we're moving again. Back to our Shelton house.

So my goal there is to make new friends.

That's it, I'm taking it easy on my goal list, because I really really really want to take care of our house and to get used to living back at our home.

Happy Be-lated Birthday Jett!

2011-12-29T08:01:00.000-08:00

Is my baby, no longer a little baby anymore?

I guess that time has come that he will be transitioning into a toddler, but i'm not ready.

I love him as a baby. Jett is the PERFECT baby. I've been blessed with wonderful babies, spoiled with great sleepers and eaters, but Jett kind of tops the cake. All of this bragging scares me, because I know the next baby we get will be a nightmare baby, but facts are facts. Jett is a smiley, happy, goofy baby. He sleeps like an angel, eats like a piggy and is developmentally on track. I even like that he's a slow walker. That would have scared me before, but I learned something a LONG time ago, that not walking quickly is actually a great thing. I guess if he isn't walking in 6 months I might be conserned but for now, yay.

I know every parent thinks that they hear their baby say "things" that no one else can hear, but I have confirmed outside sources that say i'm not crazy so I will list them, without feeling nutso.

- "don't do that"
- "don't"
- "NO"
- "oww" (as he pulls my hair)
- Momma (as he's crying)
- Dada (when he's happy)

can you tell he has three older siblings from his vocabulary?

Jager and Haven both claim that he's said their names, but, i'm pretty sure they're full of it, because I have never heard such things.

I don't want him to grow up. I know what growing up entails. CRAZY BOYNESS. Maybe instead of wishing for something that is bound to happen, I should with that he defies all odds and is a quiet little calm boy. Then again that might get boring. Might as well add to the craziness, right? right!

Love you sweet Jett.

a very hurtful pet peeve

2011-12-14T22:50:00.000-08:00

Has anyone ever told you your pain is not enough?

This was more of a pet peeve when we were going through infertility/sterility and then again with our failed adoption. I don't know how many well meaning people told me, Well at least you've never had a baby die, or well at least she wasn't 'yours' and then taken away, I even had someone tell me one day that I was lucky to have never had a miscarriage.

I HATE, HATE, HATE when people try to minimize or compete with pain. I feel like there should never be a competition for levels of pain.

What brought this PAST pet peeve into the fore front of my mind is someone close to me told me a couple of these things. This person had experienced a miscarriage years ago, and they felt compelled to tell me, out of the blue, that my pain of loss was minimal to theirs.

What do you say in response to that?

I don't want to defend my sadness? It was mine. I share it when I need to, to heal, and sometimes to reminice of my love for that child whom I still miss. I have never had a miscarriage and I don't know how that feels. I have never had a baby grow inside me and experienced the bond that goes with that. I will never know their pain. BUT, my pain is one that not many people go through, and so it is hard for most people to understand.

Sometimes I feel like I should map out my grief of infertility and then our failed adoption, just so the next person who goes through that will not get all of those awful hurtful comments, but then at the same times I don't want to be a complainer.

I am THANKFUL for the trials I just listed above. I AM truly thankful because it made me the person I am, gave me the children I have, made me appreciate the lives I have been blessed to parent.

So I guess I know the answer to my question, I should take the higher road and acknowledge their grief and move on knowing that I have moved so far past my initial grief, that I don't need to defend it.

Family vaca

2011-11-30T22:57:00.001-08:00

I'm counting down the days until our Texas Christmas vacation. (that's 15 days, if you're wondering) I'm so excited to get Johannes for two full weeks! Even though half of our trip will consist of driving, I'm even excited for that! I have great plans of buying books to listen to while driving, and forcing Johannes to love them just as much as I do. We did break down and purchase a DVD player for the kids (I'm just hoping that it survives it's debut trip).

It's going to be a busy trip, baby shower for Morgan, baby shopping (super fun) Jett's first birthday, Austin's birthday, Bryan's birthday, Christmas shopping, Christmas eve, Christmas day and fun fun fun! I can't wait to take the kids to zilker park and let them ride the train, and spin around under the big tree! If we can find a way to fit it in, we might even try to go to sea world.

This is also going to be a year that the kids are really really really getting Christmas, understanding Santa, and as much fun as that is, it's also a lot of pressure (especially on a traveling Christmas year).

Ummm, can I just say how excited I'm getting? Cause I am, really really excited!

thank you berry much

2011-11-23T11:37:00.001-08:00

November 20th- Thankful for sundays and time with my family.
November 21st- Thankful for bed time on mondays, it's always such a busy day.
November 22nd- thankful to see my parents and little bro. also thankful for collin playing so well with my children : ) especilly my Jaximo!
November 23rd- Thankful for some one-on-one time with Collin this morning, where we wore matching orange shirts and drank huge cups of hot cocoa with marshmellows and whipped cream.
November 24th- Thankful for all of my family coming over for turkey day, not only is it fun, but it forces me to clean more than I usually do. aka. scrubbing floors and and dusting...yuck, but good.

some more things to be thankful for

2011-11-19T22:08:00.001-08:00

November 17th- I'm thankful for midnight showings of movies i've been anticipating! There is something so fun and exciting about throwing caution to the wind, and staying up with all the 12-17 year olds in our town.

November 18th-I'm thankful for the show extreme couponing because it forced me to look into actually using them, and this saved me 50 dollars in one trip.

November 19th- I'm thankful for DATE NIGHT

Thankfuls

2011-11-16T13:55:00.001-08:00

November 10- I'm thankful for my hubby getting me meds in the morning, so I can function a little.

November 11- I'm thankful for getting a tiny bit better.

November 12- I'm thankful for COSTCO, and the glory that is cheaper diapers.

November 13- I'm thankful for fealing better, and Jaxel's new teachers at church, that are actually excited to have the calling.

November 14- I'm thankful for Jaxel's occupational therapist, who is working hard to get Jaxel a SPIO and i'm thankful for special times with Jager and how happy he is to get me all to himself.

November 15- I'm thankful for children who are already getting excited for christmas, because it is making me so excited for this year!

November 16- I"m thankful for Haven's constant desire to be my helper, even when I don't ask her to, and I find her soothing Jett and finding him binki's and just plain loving and entertaining him.

Teachers caught on tape bullying special-needs girl

2011-11-15T13:45:00.000-08:00

Teachers caught on tape bullying special-needs girl

My eye was caught when I saw this headline, so I thought I would share the link.
This is so sad. This behavior is what gives me nightmares.

Something that I learned from last year is listen to your children. If for some reason they stop liking school, act on it. Find out what's going on. Gain relationships with the teachers at the beginning of the school year. Meet your children's one on ones, make sure that they actually LIKE your children. It's important.

Interview style: the Haven chronicles

2011-11-13T12:48:00.001-08:00

Fun pictures of Haven and I, for no other reason than, Haven and I were having fun looking through all of them.

Haven and I (she's 8 months)

Haven and I (she's 19 months)

Haven and I (she's 2 years old)

Haven and I (she's 2 and a half)

Haven and I (she's 3)

I am sitting on the couch in a brown soft blanket, the boys are all asleep (except Jett)and Haven is snuggled in close to me. I've decided to conduct this interview to let you know what is on her mind right at this moment.

Haven what do you want me to say? - that i'm a big girl.
Haven what does being a big girl mean to you?- that big girls be nice.
What's your favorite color?- pink, and white, AND PURPLE.
Who is your best friend?- Mommy (good answer)
But what little kid is your friend?- Abigail, and Jager and Jaxel
Who is your favorite brother?- Jager and Jaxel and Jett (very political)
What's your favorite animal?- horsey and cow, kitty is my favorite, doggies are NOT my favorite.
What do you want to be when you get big?- ummm....a mommy(another good answer)
What do you want to be when you get big, like a teacher or dancer, or singer, or work with daddy?- a dancer and a teacher and wear a big dress and twirl around.
What is your favorite food?- cereal.
How old are you?- this old (and holds up 4 fingers)
So are you 4 then?- mmm hmm
What's your favorite toy?- tinkerbell, I love mermaid toy, and I love unicorns.
What about babys?- I love one baby.
What's your babies name?- Cappy, I love Cappy. Cappy will get bigger than me. (yes Cappy, not gabby or cathy, but Cappy?)
What is your favorite thing to do at school?- umm.. paint.
So do you want to be an artist?- uhh ya!
Do you want to be a space man?- NO! that's a boy. (ok just checking she was still paying attention)
Tell me what you look like?- umm haven.
What does Haven look like?- umm a hot girl.
WHAT?
What color hair does haven have- brown and curly and your hair looks like brown but is yellow all over(thanks, I think)
What color are your eyes?- umm brown like daddies.
Tell me a funny joke.- Big girls....(thought we might be getting there but not yet)
What's your favorite song?- mermaid ariel song

Haven and Jett and I (she's 3)

In the process of conducting this interview, I had trouble keeping Haven's attention as a much cuter(Jett) person was distracting her every two seconds. I'm not exactly sure where she heard hot from as a description of looks, but I hope she forgets it just as quickly. LOVE HAVEN, love her beautiful mind, and her beautiful soul!

Haven and I recently(she's 4)

Jaggie-bear!

2011-11-12T23:40:00.001-08:00

Just in case you were wondering:
In our family instead of shortening names for nicknames, we like to elongate them.

Jaxel-Jaximo, rascal jaskal, (cool nickname Jax-man)
Haven- the Havinator, Havengator, Havenmator and Havey Baby
Jager- Jaggie, Jaggiewalla, Jaggu, but mostly Jaggie bear (cool nickname Jagster)
Jett- Jetter, or Jetterbetter (cool nickname Jett fuel)

*We don't ever use the cool nicknames, but we decided that all our nicknames were really embarrasing, especially Jagers, so we decided that we needed to come up with cooler ones.

Momma is preferable for me, but I will also accept mommy princess, mom, and mommy

Daddy has now recieved one from the boys, who taunted him the other day when he was particullary grouchy by calling him Daddy-saur (daddy and dinosaur) pretty clever on Jaxels part, and even better that Jager increased the taunt by adding a growl after every time Jaxel called him that.

I loved it and encouraged it.

Anyways on to the main reason for this post, MY JAGGIE BEAR!

Jager, loves the nickname game. He also loves to discuss what our full names are (Johannes Kurt Kohn, Haven Carice Kohn, Jager Joel Kohn, ect.) He thinks that its really fun to mix up the middle names on purpose to annoy Jaxel and Haven. (like saying, "Haven Kurt KOHN" or "Jaxel Carice KOHN") and it does it's purpose by ticking them off royally.

Jager is so funny right now, preschool/age is really making his personality blossom. He loves to sing, softly and sweetly to me. He loves to talk to me about everything, EVERYTHING. He loves to tell me to "WAKE UP" when I start to phase out of his talking. He loves to be my helper, and throw things away for me. He really likes school, and he talks about his teacher, "Mrs. Justice, is my friend." "Mrs. Justice said that ..." HE LOVES MRS. JUSTICE. HE Loves to give me kisses, and snuggle with me in bed.

He always says "wanna snuggle my bear" (which is supposed to mean, do you wanna be my snuggle bear).

Jager makes me laugh all the time. I can tell he's going to be a little entertainer when he gets bigger.

I can also tell that he's going to be a little romancer, he loves to call people, babe and sweetheart, and honey, and whenever I come out in a dress, he always exclaims, "MOMMY you're a princess!".

Can I just tell you, no matter what kind of sunday morning you're having, when you hear that, It's automatically a great day!

He's always the first to come up and give me kisses, and hugs and tell me "it's okay mommy don't cry"-if i'm crying, He's always the first to vollunteer to get things for me. (johannes mom always called him her right hand man, which is funny because Jager reminds me so much of Johannes so I think it's fitting that..._>) Jager is my right hand man.

an oldie but a goodie

I love my little Jagie bear, I don't want him to grow up. I hate to think about the fact that he's already 3 and a half. Sometimes when I close my eyes I think of him big and grown, and not wanting to give me kisses, and that it would be utterly embarrassing to him that he would call me a princess, and I get sad. I never want my right hand man to be done with being a momma's boy, because I LOVE it!

Jaxel is AWESOME!

2011-11-12T21:58:00.001-08:00

In Jaxel's world there are only two types of people. GROSS people IE: Kinsie is Gross! or AWESOME people IE: Mommy is Awesome! (and don't worry if you are called gross, he doesn't think you are really gross, he just enjoys teasing people)

Well okay, sometimes there are three people, the naughty people, who are always in need of a time out.

Sometimes I'm a momma bear when it comes to Jaxel. I worry that kids will be mean to him, or make fun of him for the way he talks, and I have the death look perfected for occasions that come up when I witness children who are mean to him or making fun of him.

I was a little sad to leave Jaxel's other school because all the kids were really nice to him, walking down the hall with him, he was probably the most popular kid at school. Everyone would say HI JAXEL, and he respond with a modest gi(hi). Sometimes at the grocery store kids (even big kids) call to him Hey Jaxel! a million times, like he's a celebrity, and the majority of the time he's too cool and ignores them. I often have to say hello for him, so they don't get their feelings hurt.

I was pleasantly surprised the other day, while taking all the kids into school. That the same thing was beginning to happen in their new school. At least 5 different kids(of different ages) said hello to Jaxel. I also found out from Jaxel's teacher (who I randomly ran into in another city 1 hour away, when she was seated next to me at the hair salon) that a little boy is obsessed with Jaxel and follows him around class all day.

Even at church people seek out Jaxel to hear him say his latest catch fraise/fraze (sp? and yes if you know feel free to give me the correct spelling because i'm too lazy tonight to look it up), most popular being "OH NO!" (imagine it being said as if the world was crashing down around you, and his lips puckered out)

like this

I love when people are nice to all my children, I love when any of them makes a good friend. But there is something so sweet, when you see people love your special child. When they are able to see what you see, it makes your insides burst (yes, literally burst).

I had an awful dream the other day. I dreamt that Jaxel died. That it had been some time after he had died, and we all decided to go out on the boat as a family (jaxel's favorite thing in the world is going on the boat).
Jager and Haven said they missed Jaxel and that Jaxel loved the boat, and I cried and cried in my dream, and cried even more once I had awoken from that dream. I couldn't be consoled until I had Johannes get Jaxel to come in and sleep with us.

This may be something awful to admit, but at times when I have been the most stressed out, or at my wits end I have pondered what life would be like if Jaxel was "normal" or what our life would be like without him.

From my dream I can tell you that it was the most horrible thing that I have ever experienced, the only way to explain it was, it felt as though all the color had been pulled out of my life. Or it was almost like out of the color box(my life), the color yellow(jaxel) had been removed, beautiful, bright, happy, yellow. Who wants to live in a life without yellow?

Okay this picture is really old but I think it shows his cool factor perfectly.

As much work as Jaxel can be, he makes my heart so full, my life so happy, and we feel so blessed to be given this little man. JAXEL is AWESOME!

today i'm thankful for facebook

2011-11-10T19:21:00.001-08:00

From time to time I look up Brooklyn's bio mom on Facebook hoping beyond hope that she will join and that she won't block her pictures. Well, today in the midst of my sleep coma, I got up and randomly thought that I would look her up. I did, and she was there.

This is how I remember her, a sweet pudgy little angel.

This is her now, a sassy, cute, 5 and a half year old.

This is Conner and Elle(brooklyn) and they look huge. A little frazzled, but happy and healthy, I really hope they are.

I wrote to their bio mom requesting a friendship. Although part of me will always find it difficult to forget how much pain she put me through, I don't begrudge her for loving them, for wanting them back. I know as much as I love them, she loved them too. I wonder if she will choose to be my friend? It would be nice to be able to watch that little girl grow, and conner too.

It's strange to see their grown faces, i've been wondering for 5 years what they looked like. I pictured brooklyn with brown hair, and conner chubbier. If I passed them on the street I would never know it was them.

I feel a strange being able to see them. I've wondered for a long time if doing so, seeing them big and grown with out the help of me would tear me apart. I have a heavy heart but not an open wound, I guess it's because the little girl I see is not mine. When I look at the baby pictures, it makes me ache because I still remember the feel of her in my arms, the weight of her as I rocked her and sang to her. Her sad little smile, her neck chub, all of those things were mine. This little girl with wild hair and eyes is not. I wonder if being able to see her (if I am able to) through facebook, will help heal my broken heart, or if part of it will always be missing for that baby.

Thankfuls

2011-11-10T19:19:00.001-08:00

NOV 8- thankful for seeing a doctor and getting meds

NOV 9- Thankful for so much sleep, that I've recieved moments of not feeling like a zombie today

thankfuls

2011-11-07T10:33:00.000-08:00

November 4- I'm thankful for having an amazing babysitter, because now we can go out for Westy's birthday.

November 5- I'm thankful when I get my hair done, because it gives me such a boost of self esteem, and i'm thankful for birthday songs from my kiddos cause they make me so happy.

November 6th- I'm thankful for modern medicine and pills that keep me from hacking my lungs out.

November 7th- I'm thankful for my bed that super comfortable, and books that help keep me in my bed, so that hopefully I can feel better soon.

thankful on NOV 3

2011-11-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

I am thankful that my kids keep sneaking candy from the candy drawer, because it brings back nostalgia from when I was little.

Thankful on Nov 2nd

2011-11-03T00:39:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful for JOHANNES, he helps me SO much. Sometimes I look at other fathers (don't worry I'm not talking about you or yours:) and I realize what an amazing partner I have for my children and how blessed I am! LOVE HIM!

we're not in Kansas anymore

2011-11-01T14:44:00.000-07:00

This last week has been BUSY for me. I was called to YW at church, and had to help with a big dinner that they were doing, and decorate for that, then the normal weekly things. Then, I had to decorate for our wards Halloween Festival, I had a weeks notice, and lets just say I went a little overboard. I had a blast but it took up a lot of time, then I had my first youth temple trip as a leader. Busy, but fun.

I'm really excited to be the secretary in YW's it's such a perfect calling for me. I get to help Jaxel at church if I need to, and I get to have fun with the girls in our ward who are really awesome. I also get to be in Yw's with my MIL who is the first counselor and I'm excited about that too, I really love her and our friendship that has grown over the years.

So, back to the ward Halloween Party. It was so much fun, the kids who were the Wizard of Oz themed, did amazing, and had so much fun. Jaxel loves to say trick or treat! After breakfast: trick or treat, before bed trick or treat, and let me just tell you, he's expecting a treat.

Here a group picture I took before the party and after naps, so Haven's hair is a little dishevelled, but don't worry I re-fixed it.

We had such a wonderful October this year, very busy, but so fun filled, and the kids were so into trick or treating! It was really cool, to watch them.

November thankful 30

2011-11-01T14:10:00.001-07:00

Day one

Super Duper thankful for the sunshine on a fall day. we might be getting more sun in the fall than we recieved in the summer. Thank you Thank you Thank you!

Birthday Thievery

2011-10-24T10:27:00.000-07:00

Last year I wrote about how much I love my birthday. You may or may not recall that post, but to update you, if you did not read it, I LOVE MY BIRTHDAY.

This year my birthday is facing it's first real thievery.

this handsome boy is the culprit:

Kurt Kohn born November 6th

So I was asked by my sister in law, if it would be alright, since my birthday is on a Saturday, if Kurt(my nephew in the above picture) Could have his birthday party on my birthday. Also, she told me that it would be early in the day, and then I would be free to celebrate at night. I said, sure no biggie.

I could be the bigger person, and the nice aunt who selflessly shared their birthday glory. Then I got some troubling news... Kurt's birthday was now moved to 4 pm. So, I thought well, no big deal we would just stay for an hour, hour and a half then get back home quickly to our baby sitter and hurry and go off to party. Then, more troubling news arrived. MY BABYSITTER, would be attending the birthday party, to help with the children.

Now what?

I know what some of you are thinking, "just celebrate the night before"- can't, my brother in laws birthday is the night before. "just celebrate the next day"-not supposed to, it's the Sabbath day, people.

"the weekend before?" you ask, -Halloween

"the weekend after?" you ask as a last ditch effort. -nope, watching my nephew grayson, for sisters anniversary.

SOoooo, not willing to give up my birthday I'm contemplating being a sinner and doing it on Sunday.

I just really like my birthday, and maybe the part of me that doesn't want to grow up, doesn't want to give up a day that's all about me.

Happy birthday Jaxel

2011-10-16T00:20:00.000-07:00

On October 17th 2011 you will be 5!?!

You are getting SO BIG!

Jaxel

Your favorite color is: RED

Your favorite toy: anything Disney CARS (lightning mcqueen)

Your favorite parent: your MOMMA... I wish,

it's always been your daddy, you love everything he does.

Your best friend: Branson, and your siblings and cousins

Favorite movie: Cars, Mator Tales, Cars 2, Polar Express

Favorite Restaurant: Red Robin

Favorite Food: Pizza

Favorite Drink: Chocolate milk

Jaxel, I am SO thankful and proud of you. This last year, you have proved how strong, smart, and amazing you are. I always knew that you were all of those things and more, but now everyone is beginning to see what I've always known. I know a mother always believes that their children are beautiful/handsome, but I think that you radiate energy and happiness, and you are so handsome to me! Happy Birthday big boy, don't grow too quickly. I LOVE YOU!

a stupid kid

2011-10-12T11:06:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel proud of being a stupid kid? I guess when it comes down to almost 10 years ago I do.

I remember that we (arielle and I) were going to go to a club to go dancing in Seattle. We arrived and realized that the music playing was lame techno and decided to go to the worst single adult dance possible (TACOMA) we arrived half way through and I was in a bad mood. Arielle had a date with her, I hated that singe adult dance, I didn't even force any friends to come with me. Finally I let loose and started having fun. It was the last song, and horrible slow song. It was December 15th and they played a 10 min new years slow song? Anyways, I was waiting there, and I saw Johannes walk to me. I remember looking him over and thinking he was cute, and that I approved of his shoes. Then we started to dance. I remember thinking OH MY GOSH, will this guy shut up? All he did was blab the entire 10 minutes about his mission, seriously. So the song was finally ending when I noticed my ex who I was still really in love with watching me. Johannes asked for my number.... "sure" I replied, and gave it to him hoping to really stab my ex in the heart. MUAHAHAHA.

I think I thought his name was Johannson? I thought that was a weird name, but, I think he thought my name was Kristen, so we're even.

Oddly, he called me, even after being a snob. We had amazing conversations, we went on a couple dates. Then came the big choice of 2002. Superbowl party, I was dating two guys, Johannes and Nathan. I could only bring one. I choose Johannes, had my first 'real' kiss, and everything changed after that. That was Feb. 2, by April 4th we were engaged.

Can you talk about stupid.

We didn't even know each other, only months before I had been dating other people and he had been on a mission. My parents didn't like it, I was still 18 and he didn't even have a job. His parents didn't like it, they didn't even know me, I had only met them once or twice before.

We didn't care, we were proud to be stupid, and in love.

The saying of our wedding was "this day I marry my friend, the one I laugh with, live for, Love. Those words still hold true. I'm so thankful for my best friend, and my partner in crime. He makes me laugh, and thinks that I'm funny. Now I think he's the one who thinks, OH MY GOSH will she ever shut up, but he never tells me to my face. I am so thankful for 9 years together, can't wait for 10. 12 days of LONDON, IRELAND, FRANCE and Germany HERE WE COME!!!!

Finding my own political footing.

2011-10-07T03:15:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should have been keeping in the loop of politics this whole time, but I've kind of phased out these past couple years thinking that I would catch up when it came time that I had a choice once again.

The elections are probably the biggest gamble we will ever take and the costs are high. We pay the price or reap the benefits for four long years.

I've been considering my vote. I know the choice I will make before I even study the options and I guess that is sad.

My parents are both republican.

My grandfather on my mothers side was a democrat, some times.
My grandmother for most of my life on my mom's side, has been a republican.

Both of my grandparents on my fathers side are republicans.

I also have my opinions formed by my religion.

So where do my boundaries lie? What makes me a Republican? Who will represent my beliefs, or claim to, the closest?

Whenever I discuss politics, I always shy away from standing my ground, because I have never liked to offend people with different views than my own, but if you can not say what you believe in, in your own journal/blog then where can you?

I'm going to start being more pro active in researching all of my upcoming options, to make sure that I am knowledgeable on my own, without my husband, parents, friends, or televisions opinions.

Missing woman found dead, under piles of laundry

2011-10-05T15:56:00.000-07:00

Although I have never gotten ^^^^that bad, sometimes I feel like laundry has taken over my house.
Sadly I know I am completely to blame for this occurrence, but yet somehow I can not muster the desire to tackle laundry on a daily basis. My mother In Law tries desperately to convince me that doing it everyday or every other day is the cure to my woes, and tries to kindly imply that I might have too many clothes for my children and myself, but yet, I do not care. I love clothes and hate laundry, so my poor laundry room takes on an insurmountable task at least once every two weeks, where I desperately forage through the piles of clothes to get control of that room again.

Worse than laundry day, is putting everything back in it's place. "everything has a place, everything in it's place" -Karma Nelson. Those words sound in my head when I walk into my bedroom and find all the laundry baskets full of clean clothes that I have yet to put away, and needed to quickly hide when someone was going to stop by.

I have a great dream of becoming a Martha Stewart, and having everything perfectly in order, the dinner fabulous and on the table at 5:30. But then again, I hear that Martha is a witch. So.....I guess I would rather be pleasant. The End.

Little Jetter Better

2011-09-29T01:37:00.000-07:00

Man our little guy is 9 months now. He is crawling, and sitting up and eating everything. He smiles and laughs and enjoys playing with his siblings.

I feel like we don't give enough credit to the limits of the heart. I hear it from mom's all the time, "I don't think I can love this next child as much as I love my current child" Even after experiencing this with my first three children I still wondered this myself when it came time to bring Jett home. I was again astounded with how quickly I recognized his spirit as my own son. A mothers love is something I could have never understood until I became a mother.

Jett you make me so happy. I love your smile, I love your snuggles. I LOVE YOU! Thank you heavenly father for blessing me with such a happy sweet little boy!

tears, tonight.

2011-09-29T00:36:00.000-07:00

My Wish For You

© Debra Chesnoff

I wish I could give you many more years. I wish I could erase away all of your tears.

I want to take away all of your pain. I want to give you sunshine in the rain.

May each new day be a perfect gift. May love surround you, may your spirits lift.

If someone had to describe you so many words come to mind. Beauty and grace, a heart so kind.

You radiate warmth like a blazing fire. You are courage and wisdom. You truly inspire

You attract like a magnet beautiful things. You sparkle and shine like a diamond ring.

You light up a room when you walk in. If someone feels sad you can make them grin.

You are elegant and charming. You know right from wrong. You are the melody from a beautiful love song.

I do not want these words to make you cry. I do not want to ever say goodbye.

I believe miracles really do come true. No one deserves one more than you.

Please know how many lives you touch. These words are my present. You are loved so much.

I can't sleep.

When I was 14, I had a friend named Greg, he and his girlfriend became pregnant and they chose adoption. They chose a family in our ward, it was my other friend, Amanda's, older sister, Anna and her husband. Anna was such a beautiful, spiritual, smiley woman. I remember how cool it was seeing the joy they had with adoption. I remember the joy that family found. Not to long after that my family moved away and I lost contact with them. When I found them through facebook I was so happy to be able to find that family. I went through her profile to see how their family was now. I was so glad that they were all still really happy. I also found out that their family had grown, and flourished and that little baby was now almost 14 years old and he looked so perfect with his family, and I felt inspired again. I also found sad news, the mother, Anna, had cancer.

A couple days ago, I heard that she was going in for chemo. I had inspiration to write to her and tell her how much she inspired me. I wanted to tell her how much her adoption story made my adoption journey easier. I wanted to tell her how her smile was always a light to me. I began to write her and felt uneasy because I hadn't spoken to her in so long, and it was when I was so much younger, so I felt weird and I didn't follow through.

I found out tonight that she passed away and now I feel regret.

I wish I would have told her those things. I know it wouldn't change anything, and I'm sure with the woman she was, that she received so much love even without my letter. I wish I would have anyways, because I know that there is never a good reason to not tell someone that they are special and beautiful and that they meant something to you.

So here it is,

Anna, I'm not sure if you remember me, but I was friends with your little sister Amanda. I was also friends with Greg. At 14, you were the first person I ever really witnessed that adopted a baby. I remember the joy that you exuded when you held your son at church, and the spirit I felt when you shared your testimony of the miracles of adoption. I remember how happy you were as a mother to that beautiful boy.

When we began our adoption journey, I remember fear. I was afraid that I would never be enough. I was afraid that I would never know what it was like to be a mother. Then I remembered your family and your example and it inspired me that I would be happy. When I found you recently on facebook, I stalked you, and looked through your pictures and was so happy to find that your family was still the beautiful one that I had stored in my mind as the perfect adoption story. Thank you for being such a wonderful example, and for being an inspiration to me when I needed one most.

Love Kirsten (Lott) Kohn

I can't help but cry thinking about the family you left behind, but I am thankful for Eternal families, and that you will be reunited with yours again one day.

Maybe Baby?!?

2011-09-26T09:09:00.000-07:00

So now that i've moved past utter shock that the bios are pregnant again. I look back at my post and feel a little guilty that it sounds so negative. I guess that's what I get for blogging while upset.

So I guess I want to start over...

Guess what????

I have some amazing news!

I might possibly be a mother again? ~~(yes, random stranger judging me from across the supermarket, i've never heard of birth control)~~ jk...kind of.

"great news" you say.

Thanks, i'm getting pretty excited. Partially because i've convinced myself that it's a girl and have already invested in a couple outfits.

I've also found out more good news, my SIL is pregnant, and my one sister is pregnant and my other sister is soon to be (cross your fingers for Wed)

I love cousins, I love my cousins, I love that my kids have cousins close in age. What a cool time!

So this is me saying that I'm fairly certain that i've talked myself into this baby, and I know how much I will love them. Now to consider names.

Boy:
Jude

Girl:
Gemma
Ryder
Pippa
Honor
Heroe
Hazel
Hadly
Harly
Karma
Keely
Kinsy

Well, well, well....

2011-09-14T14:07:00.000-07:00

SOOOOOOOoooooooo I got some very familiar news today. Jaxel, Jager and Jett's Bios are Preggos again and will be having another baby in the very near future(unknown date), anywhere from December-April I would guess. So now I'm in that same position of deciding, do I want to be a parent again. Am I ready for another child? Am I ready to be a mother of 5 children?

Part of me will always want that baby for many reasons.

-I don't have control of having a baby, I have to rely on others.
-The part of me that still wishes to have a baby in my belly, seems to make me have a desire for a baby all the time.
-I love my boys, each and everyone of them 100% and I know I would love this baby
-Part of me feels like I owe it to my boys to keep them with their siblings.
-Part of me feels selfish if I say no.
-I want a big family, and for most people (even us in the beginning) it's very difficult to get someone to give you a child, especially a baby.
-I want another girl for Haven to have a sister

Reason's why I should say no.

-I already have 4 children, one of which has special needs and needs my attention constantly.
-I have been a hermit because my children are so little and I have so many of them, that it's hard to go anywhere or do anything.
-I hate the Foster system, I hate being stuck in the life of visits with the bios, case worker visits, dealing with visit supervisors, dealing with adoption supervisors, dealing with casa workers, dealing with 100 people all telling me how to raise my children.
-I don't want to go crazy

To be honest, I feel angry at the bio parents today. I feel a little angry at life. WHY? Why do these freaks (bios) get to pop out babies left and right, and I can not EVER have a baby. Why does my sisters and cousins, and sister in laws have to have such a hard time having children and they can do it constantly.

I feel sad, because people think that I should automatically say "no, I don't want another one." They can't understand that I already love that child. I know just as quickly as I say yes, I would get that baby. I would love that baby, hug them kiss them, and teach them the gospel and values that they might not get some where else. I feel selfish. One day 20 years down the road If I meet that human being who I passed on, will I feel guilty? Will they have anger with me for letting them go. Will they have a good life? What will happen to that perfect baby, who can't help who they were born to?

Those are just a few of the thoughts on my mind.

my reason

2011-09-12T02:29:00.000-07:00

In 4th grade, Mrs. Knetsar, told us we had 20 minutes everyday to write whatever we wanted.

WHATEVER I WANTED?

So I did, I wrote. From that time on, I explored different avenues of writing, poetry, music, horror movie scripts (random), and stories. While I was younger and moodier I found music and poetry were my secret allies, where I could hide my sadness or pain in the lines on the page. Then after high school, I began to write short stories, for no other reason then a thought would pop into my head and I had to write it down to get rid of it. It wasn't until Brooklyn left, and I was empty, that I began to write her a story so I could find a way to express my love for her so that maybe I could feel full again.

Now I am full, of love, of life, of friends and family. Somehow I can't find time or energy to get my ideas out on paper and it kind of drives me nuts. I wish that I were more motivated because some of my new ideas are awesome, (I know that sounds a little big headed but I can't help it, I like them). I have three stories just sitting on my mind brewing. Plus like always I can't let my failure of Maeven go, I have to keep thinking of ways to rework, revamp and renew that little creature of mine.

I wonder if I did the same thing that Mrs. Knetsar instructed me to do so many years ago and devoted 20 minutes of my day on writing would I actually get anything accomplished? So, that's kind of my new goal, 20 minutes a day devoted to write Anything that I want. Hope it works.

remember remember, the 11th of september

2011-09-11T16:19:00.000-07:00

I will avoid telling you where I was at the exact moment I found out, I will avoid telling you what I did that entire day, because I am sure like the rest of you, we all remember it vividly. It will forever be imprinted upon my mind, like the way that adults used to tell me about the death of JFK & Elvis, or the tragic events of Pearl Harbor. Some with regrets so deep they look like they would cry, but a tinge of nostalgia playing across their face, as if, to be pulled back into their past so intensely was a welcomed place to be. I said I would never forget that day, and I didn't. What I didn't count on was forgetting the aftermath for me personally. That day was the first time in my life that I fell to my knees to pray. I remember the regrets of not telling certain people I loved them that day and the vow I had made that I would always do that.

September 11th 2001, was a horrible, tragic, horrific day. As I watched the countless TV specials recalling stories, and memories of the people who lived through it, and the survivors of the ones that didn't, and how they were coping 10 years later. I couldn't help but ponder.

Where would America be without that day?

I am so thankful for our country and the people who serve it, and our history that has made us so strong. I am so thankful for our religious freedoms, and my freedom of speech, so that I may express my opinions on how I think our government should be run. On September 10th, we were untouchable. America was the who's who of the world. Everyone wanted to be like us, we were buying bigger, better, and beyond our budgets. When September 12th came, our country was humbled. It has forced us to look at not only our personal finances, but our countries finances, and most of us don't like what we see. It has forced us to look at our relationship with death. What we believe, and who we believe in.

I feel like part of me had truly forgotten, the feelings I had on September 11th 2001, but I am grateful for this time of remembrance. For this time to not only give thanks for our country and the blessing that our Heavenly Father has bestowed upon it, but for the trial he gave us so that we may consider that the path that we were headed as a country was not the correct one.

Tonight I will pray for those affected by the tragedy of that day and ask that peace will find them, but I will also give thanks for the safety he has blessed us with since. I will give thanks for the service that many have given to keep us that way. I will ask that I will never forget September 11th 2001, and that it will change me for the better.

Jaxel's PRogresso

2011-08-24T10:31:00.000-07:00

With the help of speech this summer and just the simple getting older I've really enjoyed hearing all the funny and new things that Jaxel's been coming up with (and of course I'd like to add in all my efforts, lol).

Jaxel is pretty obsessed with spiders, he talks about them all the time and comes up with little stories about them.

Jaxel holds up a chicken nugget and says: Chicken nugget
I get excited because he's never said that so clearly so I say: Jaxel, what is this
He looks at me with that mischievous twinkle and says: Burrito
I say: no, come on Jaxel you just said it, what is this?
He says: Hamburger
Then I get he's just teasing me so I try to be serious and I say: Jaxel tell daddy chicken nugget
He laughs and says: Burrito,
and then he runs off laughing.

Oh come on
disgusting
ew gross
jaxel's cars
cars 2
lighting
mater
OH no! crash!
jaxel wants ____
spider, sick, disgusting, wipe
dinosaur, rawrrrrr
dragon scary
daddies tractor

and tons more, he's talking SO much more. Now I'm not the only one who can understand what he's saying too, it's been so great!

School officially starts for the three big kids and I'm excited to see the progress they have this year~!

MY little evil masterminds

2011-08-19T22:54:00.000-07:00

I feel like there is a plot against me. I have three children who plot to over throw me on a daily basis. They each play their parts well. Haven is the quiet mischeveous one. Jager is the planner, he makes the plans and can get out of any sort of obstacle aka. child locks of all kinds. Jaxel is the muscle and height needed to enact these plans. The three of them together makes for all sorts of trouble. I wonder what role Jett will play as I am sure they will enlist him as soon as he is big enough to be of any use to them. Have you ever seen pinky and the brain?

Brain: Come on Pinky, we have to prepare for tomorrow night
Pinky: Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world.

yup that's my life, every day.

Happy 4th Birthday Haven

2011-08-18T01:33:00.000-07:00

4 years ago we waited at a hospital, anticipating our lives to change again. We heard our little girls first cries muffled through a door and it brought tears to our own eyes. Haven Carice Kohn, you make our lives so much fuller, so much brighter, and so much happier. I'm hoping, for the sake of becoming a level headed little girl, you are blessed with a sister at some point, because all of my girly adoration is bestowed upon you in ample amounts. Sadly, you love it just as much as I do. We could spend everyday doing nails and reading awful magazines or books galore. You love to come into bed with me, just to talk. You let me fix your hair as much as i'd like. You love to go shopping with me and you're the best at hassling daddy for money. Oh the precious little monster I have created. I know that this friendship that we have right now, may not always stay this way, but I really do cherish it, and you with all my heart. Happy birthday my little lover of chocolates, unicorns, fairies, dolls, your brothers, your daddy, and your mamma. We all love you so much, for everything that you are!

Hello baby, want to go for a crawl?

2011-08-12T01:47:00.000-07:00

and so it begins....

oh, if I were a uni-corn.

2011-08-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

back story* Haven has been having a growth spurt and has been quite clumsy lately*

So the other night haven is running at her full speed (mind you, that isn't very fast it's just a lot more wiggling) and she tripped over nothing. She fell head first into our ottoman and hit the perfect spot on the corner. She began crying, and crying and crying. Usually I let the kids work through things but I could tell this was a big one, so I told her to come over to me. She walked over and lifted up her bangs and there it was the biggest unicorn horn I had ever seen.

I told her you know what that means Haven, you're a Unicorn. She kept crying. Then it set in. She looked up at me and asked, "I'm a UNI-Corn?" I said, "of course, feel your horn it's growing".

She gingerly felt her head and felt the bump. "I am a UNI-Corn!"

So for the past few days she went around telling everyone she was a unicorn and showing off her goose egg on her head.

Then yesterday, I hear her tell Jager, "I'm a girl now jager."

he answers with, "yes Haven you're a girl and I'm a boy."

Getting a little more frustrated that he isn't getting her point she answers back, "no, I'm a girl NOW!"

Jager still doesn't get her point, and says just as innocently, "yes haven, you're a girl and I'm a boy"

"yes Jager you're a boy, but I'm a girl NOW! I'm not a UNI-corn any more"

I love their imaginations and conversations, it kind of makes their fits and their tantrums worth it!

mommy shower/babyshower

2011-08-10T19:17:00.000-07:00

So I know most people have baby showers for the first sometimes their second babys, depending on if it's a boy or a girl. I skipped tradition and didn't allow anyone to give me one, until finally I was talked into it by my fourth. I know it seems strange to not want a baby shower, but everything seemed so up in the air while my babys were young, and then when they were old it seemed pointless. Well I guess we all figured that with Jett it would be an almost sure thing so why not. Or maybe I just thought that.

My ward threw my a diaper shower which was pretty cool because I've just barely started buying diapers, and I also recieved blankets and some clothes. It was a really nice shower thrown by my friend Sarah Angelvich, and a bunch of people from the ward were there along with my mom in law and Anna. No pictures for that one.

But then Mckinsie and Arielle cohosted a mommy shower for me and they did such a wonderful job! I didn't even know they had those magical decor/party throwing abilities in them, lol okay I did, but it was still so perfect. I loved the tea party theme, and I recived a ton of presents for myself and for Jett. It was such a nice party and I stole pictures from both Mckinsie and Arielle. Thanks again guys.

Happy Belated Easter

2011-08-10T18:25:00.000-07:00

Our first family photo of all 6 of us, you've gotta love johannes crecked tie and closed eyes, and my messy hair but really, with all the kids it's a decent photo.

I guess we need to bite the bullet and go and get our photos done. I'm a little afraid.

forever and ever, amen.

2011-08-10T15:27:00.000-07:00

Family sealing December 23 2010

Post re-done in order to restore memories lost in the traumatic blog erase of 2011

right after the sealing the kids were in a relatively good mood still

jaxel has ants in his pants

near the end the kids are not in such a great mood, lol.

We woke up early and had the kids dressed in comfortable clothes to make the drive over to the Portland Oregon temple. When we arrived we stopped and got lunch with my mom and dad and collin, then we headed over to start getting the kids dressed all in white. It wasn't the easiest time I had dressing them and in the waiting room my children were very loud. IN fact Jager was probably yell talking most of the time. We brought the kids in the play room with two little old ladies where we were to leave them. I warned them that they were very quick and had a lot of energy and to watch out for the door because they're hard to catch once they get going. They both looked at me like I was being a normal over concerned mother and told me that they've had a lot of practice with children and grandchildren and they would all be just fine. As I walked away I shook my head feeling a little sorry for them, but knowing that I still had to get ready I took off quickly.

I waited for a while for Johannes to get ready which is quite odd, but during that time I had a long time to ponder on how perfectly everything would go. How my children would probably wiggle but that I could convince them it was prayer time and they would probably quiet down. I even began to cry a little picturing it in my head. I kept waiting. Then my temple worker and I both thought it a little odd that we were waiting so long and so she went to see what she could find out. I guess they thought we were meeting in the room, so she came back quickly to bring me to the room.

As we neared our room I began to hear noise. Not just a little noise but full blown noise/chaos. When she opened the door I saw all of our family and the poor little old ladies wrestling with my boys trying to get them to hold still even just a little. both of our families were trying to help. The ceremony itself was noisy but beautiful and I found myself smiling the whole time. Partly in jest at myself for day dreaming about how perfect they would sit, and partly just because I could help but be happy. I even had a feeling as I was looking around at my family and the way the boys were everywhere and so noisy to just embrace the chaos because right now in this time in our lives that's what we live in, and I DO love it. I love my wild boys, I love my calm daughter, I love the three of them together playing and imagining, and hugging, and fighting.

When the ceremony was over the man who preformed our sealing said, " bet you never have to pay for electricity because you could just plug Jaxel in to light up your house."

One of the older temple workers who was watching the boys pulled Mckinsie aside and said, "tell your sister good luck with those boys, she's gonna need it."

I smiled all the way home. Such a strong relief and joy was filled in my heart.

5 days later we receive a call.

Another baby boy has been born, and they want to know if we would like to take him.

"embrace the chaos" repeats in my head and I do. I say yes, we would love him."

Later we learn that he was born on December 23rd 2010 while we were on our way to the temple.

Now that day is even more beautiful in my mind. I thank my heavenly father for designing me a family so sweet. There are no words to describe the love I feel for them, but yet I still try. I love you so much Johannes, Jaxel, Haven, Jager and Jett. You make me the happiest, craziest mom around!!!

KUDDOS to a hard working father.

2011-08-10T12:26:00.000-07:00

So much pressure is put on men. I realize this so many times when dealing with my husband. Today I relized yet again, when I was simply enjoying something so cute that my kids were saying, and I thought to myself, I really wish Johannes was here to enjoy it with me. I have a hard working man. Maybe at times a slight work-a-holic, but a husband who cares about his families needs and will work his life away to make sure that we get those needs met. I always know that my husband will support us, do I thank him enough, I hope so. Should I thank him more, probably. I hope my sons will learn from their fathers example of providing for their families in a kind and giving manner. Johannes never complains if he comes home to a disaster house, or no food on the table. I try hard to make sure both of those things don't happen, but with 4 crazy little ones, my days don't always go as planned. but, my point is, my husband will get right in and help make dinner or do the dishes. I'm just grateful for all he does. I'm grateful for when he comes home and give his kids big hugs, sticky hands and all. I'm grateful for a husband who plays with his kids and cares about what happened to them that day. I'm grateful for a husband who holds the preisthood and serves in his callings dilligently. I know I usually hold off these kind of talks till his birthday or fathers day, because I don't like giving him a big ego, but, he's pretty amazing!

Bad BIRD!

2011-07-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

Maybe you've noticed something different about my blog.
If not, you might not have realized that I lost all of my old 200 posts.
So I recently started fresh trying to recreate a couple years in a few posts.
Of course it didn't work but, ah well, I guess I'll get caught up at some point.

Maybe you are also wondering about this naughty little bird above?

In my house we now have an inside joke:

Johannes has a certain word he says every now and then. He's not a curser, but the 'D' word slips out every once and a while.

Well, Jaxel has picked it up. He was saying the 'D' word "appropriately". So I had many-a-talks with my sweet little boy who should not being saying those words along with having talks with his daddy to no longer say that word.

Somehow along the way Jaxel has gotten confused.

Now when he gets mad he says 'badword' which actually sounds much more like bad bird. So if he gets upset or things aren't going his way or he wants to say something when he's upset at me he says BAD BIRD. I try not to laugh because I know he's actually meaning the real bad word and he's convinced he's saying it, but I can't help it. He even has begun calling his siblings badword, and they inturn call him a bad bird back. The whole thing is messed up and pretty dang funny. At least it's no longer the word that anyone can recognize as being naughty.

Love my Bad birds!

WOOHOO!!!

2011-07-13T11:16:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited to be going to the Lavender Festival
this weekend!!!!

I'm anticipating the refreshing smell floating on the air.

I'm happy for time away that makes me only love my family more:)

I'm saddly beyond excited for the last Harry Potter movie!!

Jett

2011-07-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

Jett Alexander Lee Kohn

Born: December 23rd 2010

The day you were born we were at the temple getting sealed to your siblings. We had no idea that you were making your arrival into this world. There are so many things that are really neat about that day. That morning your daddy gave me a necklace early (before christmas) and it was of your birthstone, of course stll not knowing we would have you and you were being born at that moment.

Then at the temple amidst all of the crazyiness that a 4,3 and 2 year old bring to any solemn occassion I had a feeling of embrace the craziness, and enjoy it. Now that might not seem like a big revalation, but before that point, your daddy and I were telling everyone we were done with our family because having three little kiddos is chaos.

Then a few days later we recieved a call that you were born. I can't tell you what I would have said weeks before, but after going to the temple I felt as sure as any mommy can with no notice, and three other small children that you were to be part of our family. Then we went and picked you up, and let me tell you, I cried. I cried the most I have ever cried for any baby because as soon as you were put into my arms I KNEW that you were suppossed to be ours and even though we would have our hands full we were making the right deciscion. Everyone says thay you looked like Jager as a brand new baby, and now most people say that you look like Jaxel, but really to me, you are a 100% mix of the two boys and I love it. Even when it comes to birth height/weight you come in right in between the boys. Born at 8 pounds 6 ounces, and 20 1/2 inches long.

You are SO sweet, SO happy, the best news is you are just as perfect as Jaxel was as a baby. Sleeping through the night within a week, only crying for being hungry or poopy. You smile all the time, and giggle all the time. You are SO ticklish. You spend the majority of your day being adored by your family. All of your siblings think you are the coolest thing in the world. They spend their time trying to entertain you, and make you smile. You are loved.

You starting rolling over really quickly. Now at 6 months you are getting close to crawling and sitting up, we'll see which one come first. YOu love to eat. Big surprise? NOPE. We just started feeding you baby food and so far there isn't any that you don't like.

I'm having the hardest time letting you grow up. I just want you to be my sweet little baby forever.

Jager

2011-07-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

Jager Joel Kohn

Born: March 24th 2008

What I remember about you as a baby is you were not what I was expecting. I expected this huge dark haired dark blue eyed little baby. Instead I recieved a relatively normal sized baby boy. 7 lbs 14ounces, 19 and a half inches long, light blonde hair, pale blue eyes and so so so squishy. The newborn boy clothes that I had got for Jaxel and given away were sorely longed for. Instead I bought you your own. The colors that reminded me of you as a baby were lime green and light blue, I know traditional little boy colors but, they were so you. For a moment Grandma Beth was nervous you'd have a footballers nose. But, I could tell you were just a pudgy little baby. You have always been a sensitive soul, but you were a sweet baby. You slept through the night after a month. You gave the most flirtatious smiles. You were the best little snuggle baby ever, and we bonded so quickly.

Sitting: 7 months

Crawling: 9 months

Walking: 12 months

Adoption: 2 years 8 months

Sealing: 2 years 10 months

Big brother: 2 years 10 months

On your first birthday, it was a huge birthday, you were such a sweet little birthday boy, all smiles and laughs. Proudly showing off your brand new walking skills. You, unlike your brother and sister devoured your first cupcake. You couldn't get enough. You were pretty excited about all your presents, but so were Haven and Grayson. The three of you had a blast ripping through paper, that was a little more exciting than the presents inside. We learned how smart and sweet you were this year. You picked up baby sign laungage and words and decided that Haven was your buddy. You also loved to watch Jaxel everything he did was so interesting for you.

On your second birthday, we forgoed the normal Red Robin Second Birthday and instead took you to Texas for the first time. We (you, haven, and I) drove to Grandma Beths in Idaho and picked her and Collin up, then we all drove to Austin. We introduced you to everyone there and we had a lot of fun. One of the funnest things was going to the Children's Museum there. It was so neat. You really liked all of your Texas family. The words that I heard most from you were....drumroll....I'm hungry mama. It didn't matter if you had just been fed or not. You figured out that these words brought food, and you wanted it always:) It's amazing that you were still two when Jett was born, because you seemed so old. YOU love JEtt! Not too far into your 2nd year of life you discovered that you have a real talent for fit throwing. You perfected many different types of fits.

The silent fit- throwing yourself onto the ground, kicking your legs, wringing your hands, and pouting all in silence (maybe you will be a mime?)

The deadly fit- this fit is exceptionally extrodinary to me because you fall backwards from standing position. You do this with no fear, or looking back.

The collapse fit- now you will notice that most of your fits involve falling but this one is when we are walking and holding hands and you do a body collapse in protest of whatever we are supposed to be doing.

The cry baby fit- Yup, just as the title describes, you cry. Not just a little trickling tear. NO, my dramatic boy would never do something so ordinary it has to be a full out yell cry, where your mouth opens to it's fullest so that the most sound can emanate out.

Your third birthday was so fun, we did a Toy Story Birthday, and I made a bunch of games for the party, we did a pinata, a football toss, and took pictures through the little green alien! You of course loved your cake. You recieved so many buzz toys and a cool Semi that Jaxel immedietly took control of this present for you. Your favorite present was one that I had thought would be your favorite. You've always like to sing, and you have a cute little voice, so one of your presents was a keyboard with a voice recorder. You loved it. So far, you have replaced the words "I'm hungry" with "Water please" You still do your fits but now it's mainly a full blown, HELLO i'm a three year old fit! Mostly you're a helpful loving little man, who kisses me and loves to hang out with Jaxel and Daddy. You also love Haven, you two play so well together and have Conversations that crack me up. You also LOVE Jett, you like to be my helper especially when it involves helping with him.

Haven

2011-07-11T23:10:00.000-07:00

Haven Carice Kohn
Born: August 18th 2007

Things I remember about your birth. I was getting ready for your baby shower when your bio mom Jasmin called to tell me that you were on your way. I rushed over there as quickly as possible. It wasn't that long of a wait, but somehow it felt like an eternity before we heard your sweet little first cry. When I held you in my arms, I cried a little because you were so beautiful. As a baby you had colic for the first two months but then after that you slept like a perfect angel. I loved showing you off and had a million dresses and fancy headbands for you to wear. You never left the house with out a bracelet, or a bow. We took our first trip when you were two months old to Texas to visit aunt Morgan, and Gigi and Papa. As soon as we got back we found out your adoption would be the next week. We were SO excited for your adoption. We didn't even know we could bring family to come so it was just daddy, me, Jaxel and you. It was such a special day for us.

Adoption: 3 months

Big sister: 7 months

Sitting up: 8 months

Crawling: 10 months

Walking: 14 months
Sealing: 3 years old
Big sister again: 3 years

On your first birthday we had a huge birthday party, probably too big for a little one year old. We bought you soooooooo many clothes and books and dolls. You didn't really care for your cupcake, you kind of just made a little mess of it. Your hair was just starting to turn curly. I remember when you were little I used to tell people, you know I think she's going to have curly hair and every looked at me like I was a little crazy. I was completely vindicated when your hair grew out into beautiful ringlets. You were only 7 and 1/2 months when Jager was born, but by your first birthday the two of you were already buddies. Actually I should say all three of you were buddies.

On your second birthday we took you to Red Robin, and we had so much fun. I bought you your first real purse and after I showed it to you. Then I tried to take it away and you started to cry. So I had to let you hold it the whole time. I had heard stories of little girls taking all of their stuffed animals to bed with them, but, that was not you. I would find you in bed with every single pair of shoes you owned. You really started to talk alot, but stayed reserved to everyone except family. I really never experienced the terrible twos with you. This is the year we discovered what a mommas girl you are. We have so much fun together, I guess since we are so out numbered us girls have to stick together.

On your third birthday, I went a little CRAZY! Your theme was Lavender and Lace, and I baked rolls, and pork roast, and veggies, and potatoes and of course cupcakes. I made everyone there own party hats, and placemats. It was a really fun birthday with a bunch of family. I of course bought you clothes, and so did a ton of other people, but aunt Terri bought you a Unicorn Pillow pet which you fell in love with, from that time on you loved UNICORNS! Slowly in your third year you added on Tinkerbell/faries, and Mermaids. I love that you have such a girly imagination. You are such a second momma to your brothers, it's really cute to see. You also have developed a sneaky streak. When Jett came home it was love at first sight for you! You tell me all the time that he's your baby. I've had to convince you that we're sharing him. You also have the funniest silly streak. You love to be a little jokester and you're actually very daring. It's funny that someone so afraid of animals, and heights can be so much of a little daredevil.

Your fourth birthday is right around the corner and I have some awesome plans!

Jaxel

2011-07-07T22:47:00.000-07:00

Jaxel Kurt Kohn

Born: October 17th 2006

Things I remember about when you were first born. You were huge! I had gone out and specifically bought you newborn clothes and none of them fit you. I was so nervous because not only were you brand new you also had a broken clavicle so I was nervous that I was going to break you more. I had NOTHING to worry about, though. You were such an amazingly sweet baby. You slept through the night within a week and you ate like a little piggy. The only time you EVER cried was when you were hungry.

Sitting: 8 months

Crawling: 9 months

Big brother: 10 months

Walking: 13 months

RUNNING: 14 months and never has stopped since

Big brother again: 17 months

Adopted: 2 years

Sealed: 4 years old

Big brother again: 4 years

On your first birthday you were so sick. You had your first ear infection and you didn't even want to touch your first cupcake. We wanted to SPOIL you so badly. We bought you a bike, a skateboard, a helmet, clothes, toys. We went crazy. Half of those things you didn't use for a long time maybe even a year later and I was way to nervous to ever let you use that skateboard outside. When Haven was born a couple months earlier you were so interested in her. You wanted to poke her in the eye and give her big slobbery kisses.

On your second Birthday we took you to Red Robin with the family. You threw your first terrible twos tantrum on that day. When the group came up to sing you Happy Birthday you loved it. You laughed and clapped. You said some of your first words dad, more, mama, eat. You loved baby sign language you picked it up right away. This is the year we learned you were a crazy maniac little boy full of so much energy. On your adoption day you were surrounded by so much family and love, it was really nice to be able to finally have it on paper what we had known all along, that you were all ours.

On your third birthday we took you to go and see where the wild things are, with tons of family. You liked the movie, you LOVED the popcorn! You ate so much popcorn and candy that you puked and got it all over me. THANKS. real cool... Then we came home to give you a Pirate pizza party. Aunt Kinsie even made you a cake. Turning 3 meant you were able to start Pre school. I was really nervous to let you go, and especially on the bus all by yourself. Your favorite cartoon to watch was the Polar Express, you thought the little boy was you, it was really cute.

On your fourth birthday we took you to on a trip with us for your own special time. You got to go swimming, and we bought you a new big boy bike and bought you tons of DISNEY cars because they are your favorite. You've learned almost every name of all the characters and you love to make them crash. You also love to watch Cars all the time. You are in Speech and Occupational Therapy and you are flourishing with the classes. You now say so many more new words, it melts my heart and brings me so much joy to be able to see you grow.

I have big plans for your fifth birthday! can't wait!!!

Whoops.

2011-07-07T22:05:00.000-07:00

So I wrote over 200 blog posts previously, and now they're all gone. I was trying to update my blog, and change it up a little bit, and accidently erased my old blog. Don't ask.

Project: 1- Ode to Joy

2011-07-07T21:59:00.000-07:00

Here's my 'new' old Piano.
I got it for a steal.

10$

This is my before pic, I plan on sanding, painting, new knobs.

Should be pretty snazzy in the end, lets hope:)

*One-Two-Three-Four~I declair thumb WAR*

Jager and Haven PreSchool

What's in a name?

Changes

sing softly

hyper-cyber

it's just another ordinary miracle today

I don't know why...

Well, my list keeps getting longer and longer.

OH WAIT I forgot to add one goal!

reso reso lution

Happy Be-lated Birthday Jett!

a very hurtful pet peeve

Family vaca

thank you berry much

some more things to be thankful for

Thankfuls

Teachers caught on tape bullying special-needs girl

Interview style: the Haven chronicles

Jaggie-bear!

Jaxel is AWESOME!

today i'm thankful for facebook

Thankfuls

thankfuls

thankful on NOV 3

Thankful on Nov 2nd

we're not in Kansas anymore

November thankful 30

Birthday Thievery

Happy birthday Jaxel

a stupid kid

Finding my own political footing.

Missing woman found dead, under piles of laundry

Little Jetter Better

tears, tonight.

Maybe Baby?!?

Well, well, well....

my reason

remember remember, the 11th of september

Jaxel's PRogresso

MY little evil masterminds

Happy 4th Birthday Haven

Hello baby, want to go for a crawl?

oh, if I were a uni-corn.

mommy shower/babyshower

Happy Belated Easter

forever and ever, amen.

KUDDOS to a hard working father.

Bad BIRD!

WOOHOO!!!

Jett

Jager

Haven

Jaxel

Whoops.

Project: 1- Ode to Joy

One-Two-Three-Four~I declair thumb WAR